Captain Cetra and the Cetrateers
by Hypes
Summary: Life draining monopolists, DNA splicing scientists, and meteor summoning psychos! It seems like no one these days cares for the planet. See how the cetrateers AVALANCHE saves the world from polluting scum! Please R&R!
1. Part 1

**Part 1**

[[Final Fantasy 7 is not mine, nor is Captain Planet. Thank you, the management.]]

"Is it ready?"

"Yes sir."

"Excellent. This will make me the richest man in the world." President Jonathon Shinra gloated in absolute darkness.

"But sir, you are already the richest man in the world." A lackey commentated.

"Guard A." Shinra asked.

"Yes my liege?"

"Shoot guard B."

In a moment, the darkness lifted away, revealing a dead man, a Shinra soldier, and the big tomalley himself, president Shinra A.K.A Mako man. They stood in front of a giant diesel engine, about two stories tall and 30 tons.

"Sir, permission to speak freely?" Guard A asked.

"Go ahead."

"What exactly is this thing anyway?"

"It's an advanced Mako reactor. Completely unmanned and compact, it will make me batrillzions!" Mako man laughed.

"Uh sir, wouldn't that drain the planet even faster?"

"Of coarse! That's what I'm hoping for. Money at the expense of the ecology. Bwahahahahaha!"

"That's bound to lure your most hated enemies, sir."

"Yes yes, I know. That's what I'm expecting, but don't worry, I'll show those planet punks a thing or two with my new 'toy'."

** *

Life draining monopolists, DNA splicing scientists, and meteor summoning psychos! It seems no one cares for the planet these days, but that's where you're wrong! It's time for…

CAPTAIN CETRA 

And the Cetrateers!

** *

Somewhere on Knights of the Round Island…

                "And that should be the last of em!" Cloud Strife, self-appointed leader of the Centrateers wiped his brow after a long day of teamwork tree planting.

                "Arbor day should be everyday. After all, trees help the environment in a number of ways!" Tifa Lockheart giggled.

                "Man, I'm beat. Hey, let's use our materia power to cool ourselves off!" Yuffie Kisargi said after throwing her gloves onto the wheel barrel.

                "That's a great idea Yuffie! I'll use my power of water to make us drinks!" Tifa smiled.

                "And I'll use my power of wind to make us a nice breeze." Yuffie searched in her pockets to locate her time materia.

                "I can't help girls. I only have the power of bolt!" Cloud said as he leaned himself on a new tree.

                "Hey numbskulls!" Cid Highwind said as he joined the three in the new part of the forest. "I just finished the adjustments on the Eco-Highwind. Want to see?"

                "Not right now Cid, I'm relaxing after a long day of helping the environment." Cloud yawned.

                "Relaxing?! How can you be relaxing at a time like this! I just finished the god damned Eco-Highwind and all you can say is 'I'm relaxing'?!" Cid stomped his foot.

                "Fine, but first we should pick up these tools. After all, only you can prevent forest fires!" Cloud said.

                "Hopefully Cid has some A/C on his ship." Yuffie sighed.

                "Alternating Current?" Tifa asked puzzled.

                "No! Like Air-Conditioning! Gawd!" Yuffie moaned.

                "Nope. Air Conditioners are known to cause CFC's, which cause holes in the ozone layer. Remember, avoid all CFC producing products!" Cid responded.

                ** *

                Inside the new Eco-Highwind, which looked exactly the same except painted yellow, Red XIII, Barret Wallace, and Vincent Valentine we're testing out all the latest gizmos on board.

                "This game of pong is amazing! It challenges my mental capacities as well as my dexterity!" Red XIII happily commented.

                "It's nothing compared to… THE POWER OF EARTH!" Barret said as he used his materia powers to raise the landing pad.

                "Stop playing around Barret. You know that raising the topography can ruin some animals homes and can be a leading cause of cancer!" Vincent said coolly as he leaned against the helm.

                "It can really cause cancer?!" Barret immediately lowered the landing pad again.

                "No."

                "Damn! Your power of spookyness gives me the chills whenever you speak Vince."

                "The power of fire commands that you head to Bugenhagens HQ! We're receiving a message!" Red said as he hung up the telephone.

                "What's Mako man up to this time!?" Vincent asked himself.

** *

Cloud, Tifa, Yuffie, Cid, Barret, Red XIII, Vincent, and Cait Sith met up in a bamboo hut inside a cave on Knights of the Round Island. This is where Bugenhagen lived, and he was their boss.

                "Powers of bolt, water, wind, pressure, earth, fire, spookyness, and heart, there is a problem. You, the cetrateers, must go and destroy Mako man's new invention, the Mako Reactor deluxe with new compact action. Hoo hoo hooo! Use your powers wisely, and if you are in trouble, summon Captain Cetra!"

                "Aye Aye!" The cetrateers excitedly yelled as they hurried off to the Eco-Highwind and bring ecological justice to Mako man.

                "Hoo hoo hooo! With them gone, now I can finish Skies of Arcadia!" Bugenhagen laughed as he secretly turned on his rainforest friendly dreamcast.

** *

                "Ah, this lovely meadow should be just fine for testing out the new Mako Reactor deluxe with compact action!" Mako man grinned happily between a huge Cuban cigar. To his right was Professor Hojo, A.K.A Animal Tester. On Mako man's left was Sephiroth, A.K.A Earth destroyer.

                The three anti-naturalists hopped out of a large truck carrying the new Mako Reactor deluxe with compact action to the green grass. The sky was blue, the birds were singing, the deer were patiently sipping away at the babbling Brooke, and the trees swayed romantically in the breeze. It all made Mako man sick.

                "Ungh. All this fresh air is giving me a rash! Guards! Immediately install the new Mako Reactor deluxe with compact action in the middle of this field!" Mako man screamed.

                "Yes sir!" The guards ran to the back of the truck and began fiddling around.

                "Well my fellow planet killers, is this not a perfect site to start the new line of reactors?" Mako man tugged on his coat.

                "Yes indeed. Plenty of animals to hideously mutate with scientific genetics! Hehehehehehe!" Animal Tester rubbed his hands together.

                "…and once I destroy the planet, it will be mine and I will be a god, and …" Earth Destroyer was mumbling to himself.

                "Uh, sir?" A lackey asked from behind the truck.

                "What is it grunt?! I'm rather busy gloating!" Mako man shouted angrily while puffing on his cigar.

                "Uh…where do we plug it in?" The guard asked.

                "What?" Mako man asked shocked. "Excuse me for one moment."

                Mako man stomped around to the back of the truck where the four guards stood confused. "What do you mean 'plug it in'?"

                One of the guards held a large, three-pronged male plug in his hand. "It needs to be plugged into an outlet."

                "And the nearest one is at Chocobo Billy's to the south!" Another guard commented.

                "You idiots! Why did you make this thing with a plug instead of with a battery?!" Mako man insulted the group.

                "Um, well, we kind of thought we'd be using it in some one's home…" A guard sadly said.

                "What?! This thing is two stories tall and 30 tons! How's it going to fit in anyone's house?!"

                "…They could have had a big house sir…" The fourth guard replied.

                "Grrrrr! All right! Do any of you have an extension cord?" Mako man commanded.

                "I do sir! Right here in the truck bed!" A guard responded.

                "Ok. I want you to drive out to Chocobo Billy's and ask him if you can plug it in there." Mako man took a breath of smoke.

                "That's 45 miles!" One of the guards surprisingly added.

                "Um…what if he says no?" The guard with the extension asked.

                "Well then say please." Mako man said.

                "Alright sir…but what if he continues to say no?"

                "Then continue to say please until he says yes."

                "Right your excellency, but what if he never says yes?"

                "Hmmm, well I can see your point there…" Mako man put his plump fist to his chin.

                "What is the problem, Mako man?" Animal Tester said as he rounded the truck's right bumper.

                "Ah Animal Tester! Hopefully your intelligence can help the situation. Eh…" Mako man hesitated a moment to find the words for the cause. "…These soldiers equipped the Mako Reactor deluxe with compact action with a plug, and obviously you can see that there is no outlet out here."

                "Do you not have an extension cord? You can walk to the nearest home and ask to use their outlet."

                "Yes, yes. An extension cord is ready with the soldier with the 556'ers and pineapples, but he believes that Chocobo Billy, 45 miles south of here, won't let us use his outlet."

                "…Why not say please? It works 67 percent of the time with common folks."

                "I know I know. Say please. But being the villains, Chocobo Billy may not be so polite and friendly, so if we continue to ask please when he says no…"

                "You'll be in a continuous verbal loop forever, and we surly do not have the time, especially with the cetrateers.. Aha! I've got it! There should be an outlet in the truck! Plug it in there!"

                "Of coarse! Animal Tester, you're a genius, my boy! I'll be sure to give you an extra package of cute little bunnies when pay time comes 'round."

                "Oh goody! I can hardly wait."

                "Quite. Guards!"

                "Yes sir?!" The four guards saluted.

                "Plug it in to the truck. Let's start making money!"

                "And pollution!" Animal Tester added.

** *

**To be Continued…**


	2. Part 2

**Part 2**

[[Final Fantasy 7 is not mine, nor is Captain Planet. Thank you, the management.]]

"According to these readings, the new source of mako energy is coming from the Eastern Plains near Midgar." Red XIII read off a new mako detection monitor in the Eco-Highwind.

                "That's not far from here! We should be there in no time!" Tifa said.

                "Hey Yuffie, use your POWER OF WIND to get us there faster!" Cloud said as he handled the lemon yellow helm.

                "Sure thing!" Yuffie said as she left the bridge. With the power of Zantax 75, she was able to over come the airsickness that normally plagued her during any trip.

                "So Cloud, what's the plan?" Cait Sith asked as he ate a new trail mix granola bar.

                "Yea Cap'n? What is the plan? Get there and stomp em!" Cid asked.

                "No, we got to sneak into the base and infiltrate, sabotage, and leave." Vincent put in his two-cents from the opposite end of the bridge.

                "Uh.." STOMP em!orVincent's right. We should sneak in.

                "OO! OO! Pick number one!" Barret waved his gun arm.

                "Pick two! Pick two!" Tifa shouted.

                "The car! Pick the car!" Cait Sith screamed.

                "Uh..um…I can't decide!" Cloud said.

                "C'mon! %^&*in stomp em!" Cid pleaded.

                "Do what's wise. Sneak in." Vincent advised.

                "Hey. I don't have to do this. This is peer pressure!" Cloud said. "I pick…STOMP em!"

                Your swashbuckling rating has gone up. You're now Cloud the ecologically aware! 

                "So, Cloud the ecologically aware, it'll be two more hours till we get there. Wanna play some poker?" Red XIII asked.

                "Sure, why the hell not!" Cloud left the helm. "These are paper substitute forest friendly cards, right?"

                "Of coarse."

                ** *

                The giant titanium crate shook wildly; throwing off any Shinra soldiers daring enough to try and contain whatever was inside. The new wooden planked white yard fence was thronged by tens of Shinra soldiers, all trying to safely get the crate inside.

                "That's it. Easy now, easy. Don't hurt my beautiful creation!" Animal Tester smiled, revealing his horrible minty fresh teeth.

                The three soldiers pushing it safely got the crate into paddock. Two of them ran instantly to the gate and shut it, careful not to harm the tulips around it. The third man got on to the crate, ready to open the door.

                "Sir?" The guard asked.

                "What is it!?" Animal Tester angrily spat.

                "How am I supposed to make it back to the fence once I open this crate?"

                "How should I know? Muhahahahahahaha!" Animal Tester insanely laughed.

                Suddenly the crate shifted heavily to the right, throwing the guard onto the nicely mowed green grass. The door on the crate opened.

                "Timmy! Get back here! Quickly!" The guards shouted.

                Timmy the guard got up to run, but a white fluffy paw caught his leg. Screaming, the paw pulled him into the crate.

                "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAgunghga." Timmy the guard screamed.

                "Muhahahahaha! Perfect! This creature ought to stop the nature nuisances!" Animal Tester raised his glasses, except that his glasses were already far on his head, so they went on to his forehead. "Oops."

** *

                "Something isn't right here." Cloud said as he scanned the ground below him. They were right over ground zero, but it didn't seem to look like a heavily polluted fortress. Instead, it reminded Cloud of Easter.

                "You mean the fact that the grass is bright green and freshly mowed, white picket fences surround the path, and cardboard rubber duckies with safety tips dot the area, or the fact that there's no Shinra soldiers around?" Barret commented.

                "Both. Are you sure we're in the right place?"

                "I'm positive foo!"

                "Tifa, give me the map!"

                Tifa handed Cloud a map of the world, complete with highlighter. "All right. We made a left turn at Albuquerque and a right on I-95…"

                "Cloud." Vincent just appeared behind Cloud.

                "GA! Stop being so spooky Vincent! What?" Cloud shouted.

                "This is the right place."

                "Are you sure?" Cloud asked.

                "Yes."

                "Cloud! Cait Sith is staring at me!" Yuffie came running onto the bridge.

                "Am not!" Cait Sith ran in after her.

                "Are too!"

                "Am not!"

                "Are too!"

                "Am not!"

                "Are too!"

                "Am not!"

                "Are too!"

                "Am not!"

                "Are too!"

                "Am not!"

                "Are too!"

                "Am not!"

                "Are too!"

                "Am not!"

                "Are too!"

                "Am not!"

"Are too!"

                "Am not!"

                "Are too!"

                "Am not!"

                "Are too!"

                "Am not!"

                "Are too!"

                "Am not!"

                "Are too!"

                "Am not!"

                "Are too!"

                "Am not!" (copy paste is cool!)

(I stole this from a Skies of Arcadia fic!)

"Cloud, I see Mako Man!" Red shouted from his place at the new Mako man detection system.

"Alright, this must be the place. Cetrateers, let's mosey!" Cloud shouted.

"Damn, Cloud! Come up with something better next time!" Cid yelled after him.

** *

"Sir! The Cetrateers have arrived!" A guard said as he ran up to Mako man, who was standing next to the mako reactor deluxe with compact action, which was disguised as a giant Easter egg.

"Excellent. RELEASE THE DOGS OF WAR!" Mako man shouted.

** *

"Cait Sith, see if there's any unfriendly monsters, people, or machines around here." Cloud said.

"Right. HEART!" Cait Sith raised his tiny paw in the air and fancy orange graphics flashed around.

"There are a couple Shinra soldiers, one monster, and one machine."

The Cetrateers walked on the mowed grass, careful of the tulips, through the lines of white picket fences and rubber ducky signs.

"STOP! DON'T GO ANY FURTHER!" A voice cried behind them. They turned around to see a mauled Shinra soldier. "Animal Testers new monster will kill you for sure! He got Timmy and-"

Before he could finish his warning, a great roar screamed across the plains and a white flash flew onto the soldier. Screaming, he backed away, only to be split into many chunky parts by the white monsters wrath. The white flash flew to the ground before them, and turned out to be a white rabbit.

The Cetrateers just stared at it.

"Dayum! I haven't seen anything that gory since Resident Evil the movie!" Barret was impressed.

"I'm sure I've seen a killer bunny like this before…" Vincent started.

"In Bambi?" Tifa asked.

"In Once upon a Forest?" Yuffie asked.

"In Song of the South?" Red asked.

"In Snow White?" Cait Sith asked.

"No! In Monty Python and the Holy Grail!" Vincent finished his thought.

"I'm not going to wait for the thing to cut me head off then. Cid, pop em!" Cloud smiled.

"With pleasure. PRESSURE!"

With purple flashy graphics, Cid managed to use his ring to increase the pressure inside the killer rabbit of doom, causing it to swell and eventually…

BOOM! A massive explosion, much larger than originally anticipated, shook the earth and blood and guts and rubber duckies rained from the skies like uh…rain."

"HALT! STOP WHERE YOU ARE!" A couple soldiers shouted as they ran down the aisle.

"I'll take care of these clowns! EARTH!" Barret raised his ring, starting some flashy green graphics. A large pit formed below them and they fell out of sight.

"O.K. Let's find the mako machine!" Cloud said. "Let's split up gang!"

"NO!" They all cried in unison.

"Why not?" Cloud put his sword on the ground and leaned on it.

"Because that makes it harder most of the time. Let's just stay together, besides we won't be able to summon Captain Cetra if we are separated!" Red said.

"All right." Cloud mumbled.

** *

"DAMN! I can't believe they so easily destroyed my killer bunny! DAMNIT! I'LL KILL YOU CLOUD! IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO!" Animal Tester then begun to freak out, steam ventilating from his ears and making wacky noises.

"Sir! Sir! Get a hold of yourself! Just use the dogs!" A guard said.

"WAAAAAA- the dogs? Of coarse! I'm a genius!" Animal Tester cried. "Let loose the dogs!"

Several guards standing near a white picket fence stood aside and opened the gate, releasing several Dobermans.

"Muhahahahahahaha!" Animal Tester laughed with joy.

** *

"I can fix this!" Tifa giggled. The centrateers were standing on a cliff over looking a molten trail of lava. How it got there, nobody knows, but it certainly creates an obstacle.

"WATER!" Tifa shouted.

Out of nowhere, a swimming pool appeared over the lava, cooling down the molten rock to a degree acceptable by feet. Great clouds of steam billowed from the chasm, creating a toxic wall of sulfur.

"This I can handle! WIND!" Yuffie shouted. Winds fell from the skies and blew the poisonous fumes into space, leaving a walkway for the cetrateers.

"Aw, many thanks." Cloud smiled as he crossed the lava river.

WOOF! BARK! Several Dobermans ran at top speed towards our heroes, foam at their mouths. Vincent tossed his cape over his shoulder. "SPOOKYNESS!"

With flashy black graphics, Vincent became super spooky, scaring the dogs out of their minds. Yelping and whining, the dogs ran back to their master, Animal Tester.

** *

"DAMN! That's was the last of them! I'm screwed!" Animal Tester slammed the table.

"Sir, I suggest that we evacuate to Midgar and await a second chance." The soldier next to him said.

"Yes, good idea. Earth Destroyer will handle them. Muhahahaha!" Animal Tester walked towards his private helicopter and jumped in.

"Midgar."

"Yes sir." The pilot replied.

And the chopper flew off into the blue yonder.

** *

A giant Easter egg stood before the cetrateers. 

"STOP RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE!" A whole boatload of soldiers arrived behind the cetrateers, each carrying 556ers, pineapples, and other fruits and veggies.

"OCTOOM!" A German soldier cried.

"Over our dead bodies!" Tifa smiled. A big fight scene then occurred. Tifa doing ninjitsu and kae-ra-tae, Barret and Vincent blasting people with their guns, Yuffie poking people with her giant shuriken, Cid smacking people with his Venus Gospel, Cait Sith pounding people with the Mogs cooperation, and Cloud slicing people with his busta' sword, all while Red sat on top of the Easter egg. After a very long time, the soldiers were dead on the green grass and the cetrateers were victorious.

"Very good, very good. Now what are you going to do about them?" Red XIII pointed a red paw at a totally new boatload of ShinRa soldiers. All the soldiers did a battle cry at once, trying to intimidate our biosphere saviors. "Not today kiddies. FIRE!" A great big fire burst from the ground, engulfing all the soldiers in one chaotic flame. And then it burned out.

"Red, what the hell are you doing?" Barret asked as the others rested.

"Pretending I'm Raiden. I'll stop now." Red jumped down from the Easter egg. But his paw pulled on the fabric, pulling the cover down as Red reached the ground, revealing the Mako reactor deluxe with compact action.

"Well, here's what we came for. Let's break it! BOLT!" Cloud cried out. A thunderbolt crashed down from the hand of almighty Zeus himself and fried the Reactor until it exploded.

"Well, lets head back." Cloud sighed. The others nodded.

"Not so fast, earth dweeb!" Earth Destroyer appeared out of nowhere, masamune in hand.

"Who the heck are you?" Yuffie asked from her position.

"I am the summoner. I am what will end this planet." Earth Destroyer placed his hand over his face.

"I" He turned towards Cloud.

"AM" He turned towards Tifa.

"EARTH DESTROYER!" He turned towards the remains of the new deluxe mako reactor with compact action.

"And men of the sea!" Cait Sith shouted.

"Hey, we can't let you get away with that! Let's battle!" Cloud shouted.

In two great white flashes, The entire team fell down. Earth Destroyer had been too fast, beating them with the hilt of the masamune to certain fatigue in a second.

"Ungh…he's…too…strong…" Red sighed.

"We…can't beat…him…" Vincent said.

"Summon…Captain Cetra…" Tifa said.

"HELP US CAPTAIN CETRA!" the cetrateers cried. In a show of all those flashy graphics, Aeris Gainsborough, err, Captain Cetra appeared.

"With your powers combined, I am Captain Cetra!" She giggled.

"What's this?! This is your fabled Captain Cetra! It's a girl! And She's wearing pink! This is ridiculous!" Earth Destroyer waved his sword.

"Well you're not very nice. Hey! You aren't trying to hurt the planet, are you?"

"Of coarse I am! My alias is Earth Destroyer! Now, floating pink girl… Captain Cetra, I will summon a great meteor to hurt your planet."

"Oh no your not, not if I can do anything about it! Silence Evil!"

A weird looking gong appeared over Earth's Destroyer's head and smacked him.

"Hah! You think that hurt me. SUPER NOVA!"

"Ooooh." The cetrateers got out some popcorn to watch the flashy attack.

Fifteen minutes later…

"That hurt. Grrr…you asked for it. Great Gospel!" Aeris cried out.

"Gawd Aeris! Get some better lines!" Yuffie cried.

"Well, dead people tend to have bad lines." Cid took a smoke. Obviously the cetrateers are feeling better.

"Well, if I can't beat ya, I'll have to trap ya!" Aeris laughed.

"W-what are you saying! Don't come any closer!" Earth Destroyer stepped away, in shock that his movie quality attack didn't do anything.

Aeris flew over to Earth Destroyer and picked him up by the shoulders and flew into outer space, where she proceeded to drop him off on the moon.

"Now he's the man on the moon! Hehehe!" Tifa giggled.

"Tifa, you talk to much." Cloud said.

** *

"Damn! I didn't think they'd get this far. Time to retreat! Curse you Captain Cetra!" Mako man shouted from his personal chopper that took off towards Midgar.

"Cloud, shouldn't we catch him?" Red asked.

"Naw, things are better this way. This way we can make a sequel." Cloud winked.

"Woohooo! Franchise!" Cait Sith shouted.

"All right guys! With the day won, it's time to…" Barret smiled.

"SING the Captain Cetra song!" They all shouted in unison.

** *

~We're the cetrateers, 

and you can be one too!

Saving the planet is the thing to do!

Looting and Polluting is not the way!

Listen to what Captain Cetra has to say!

The Power is yours!

Curse you Captain Cetra!~

** *

Remember kids, always use environmentally friendly power, tools, toys, and items! Only you can save the forests and deserts and oceans and mountains and …

The End 

** *

GO TO CHAPTER 3 FOR THE REST OF THE STORY! 


	3. Part 3

**Part 3**

[[Final Fantasy 7 is not mine, nor is Captain Planet. Thank you, the management.]]

But for those of you who are wondering what happened to everyone…

Cloud Strife  became helmsmen of the Eco-Highwind. He is still a bad joke teller.

Tifa Lockheart became even more bubblely. She is currently in a home fore the too bubbely.

Barret Wallace became the most famous Mr. T impersonator in the world. He currently makes more money than you can bling bling at.

Red XIII memorized the entire Mortal Kombat movie and is the world's leading expert on Raiden.

Yuffie Kisargi is still stealing materia, but uses the profits to help Greenpeace. She is still using Zantax 75.

Cait Sith is the president of Captain Cetra enterprises and makes more money than Barret.

Cid Highwind worked on the new Neo-Eco Highwind, the same thing, except blue.

Vincent Valentine has become even spookier. Brrr….

Captain Cetra has retired inside the Lifestream until she is needed again. In the meantime, she makes enough royalties off Cait Sith to comfortably say she's seen a million bucks.

Bugenhagen never finished Skies of Arcadia, due to his Rainforest friendly dreamcasts failure to work with a pencil sharpener near by.

Mako man was arrested for copyright infringement and is currently serving a 3 year probation sentence.

Animal Tester was arrested for J walking and is too currently serving a 3 year probation sentence. He experiments on the prisons rats for good service.

Earth Destroyer was picked up by his mum, Janova, and is currently serving spaghetti at Chocobo Bills spaghetti house.

The End…Really…unless there's a sequel… 

** *

MFZ Productions.


End file.
